Things Emmett Cullen is not Allowed to Do
by Faith-Hope-Love-Joy
Summary: Will update soon! Title explains it all
1. Chapter 1

THINGS EMMETT CULLEN IS NOT ALLOWED TO DO

Run through the school yelling, "OH MY GOD, HE'S HITTING ON ME!" and pointing at Jasper.

Laugh manically anywhere near a bomb.

Prank call anyone. (This was outlawed after the pasta incident over the phone)

Scream "STOP STALKING ME!" and run around in circles after Bella says, "Hey Emmett, can you help me with something?"

Never lure James (with Bella) to the Volturi, then run back to the Cullens' and proclaim, "THE END OF THE WORLD IS UPON US!"

The appropriate answer to the question, "Does this shirt make me look fat?" when asked by Alice is ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT "No."

On Halloween he is not allowed to dress up as Aro Volturi and say that he is very evil and ugly and creepy and old and gay.

The appropriate use of gasoline is ONLY for filling up his Jeep's tanks.

Windex is not a substitute for blood and should never be consumed.

Even if you are immortal.

He is not a pretty pony and should not yell it to the school.

Carlisle is not a disco god and should never be called such.

Esme did not threaten the president with a placemat.

Jell-O is not an instrument of torture.

Sometimes, people like to hang out with the werewolves, no matter what Emmett says.

He is not ever allowed to buy shock collars for the werewolves.

He can never EVER get within a ten-mile radius of an atomic bomb, not after the 1937 incident on Area 51.

He is not actually from Saturn, no matter what he tells the children.

The sun is not going to explode and rain fire and cause ultimate doom if Emmett does his homework.

And he is not allowed to tell his teachers he is.

He is not allowed to quote children's books.

He is not allowed to pretend to be Indiana Jones.


	2. Chapter 2

MORE THINGS EMMETT CULLEN IS NOT ALLOWED TO DO

He is never allowed near a sub sandwich.

He cannot blow anything up. Ever.

Dynamite IS NEVER TO BE CONSUMED. EVER.

Fireworks may have pretty colors, but the pretty colors will have consequences when set off in the police department.

Especially under Charlie's chair.

Jacob is not "a psychotic little wiener-rat-dog".

Emmett is not allowed to hum "Sexy Back" when someone else's girlfriend walks by.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should the Volturi spontaneously combust.

Even though that would be a favor to the world.

But it is not considered a favor to the world if Emmett positions himself on a podium with a huge sign that says "I'm Single".

Especially in the middle of an all-girl academy.

Jasper IS NOT GAY.

Carlisle NEVER robbed a bank.

Because Esme shot JFK is NOT why the Cullens moved to Forks.

And he should NEVER tell ANYONE numbers 12, 13, and 14.

This list is not to be burned by Emmett.

Just so you know, raccoons ARE NOT weapons of mass destruction.

Because sometimes Emmett thinks they are.

Voldemort IS NOT real.

And even if he was, his name would not be Aro Volturi, Alec Volturi, or Jane Volturi.

Jane is (probably) not homo.

Emmett is not absolutely the sexiest man alive.

He may come close. But he's not.

Matches are to be used only for lighting candles.

Not Esme's good table cloth.

Or the fuse on dynamite.

Snow globes are ONLY to be used for decoration.

Emmett is not the God of All Things Inappropriate.

He may come close. But he's not.

He is not allowed to call Edward "a violent little boy" when Edward tries to attack him when Emmett thinks about Bella in a bikini.

It's just his nature, he can't help it!

Emmett is not allowed to change the time on any clock.

He is not allowed to perform surgery.

Or transplants.

He is not allowed to hack into the president's email.


	3. Chapter 3

MORE, MORE THINGS EMMETT CULLEN IS NOT ALLOWED TO DO

Stalk through the darkness on Halloween, humming the "Jaws" theme song and then suddenly leap out from a bush and scare little girls.

He can never, not EVER stalk ANYONE.

ANYONE AT ALL.

Staples are not to be used for barrettes.

Especially on Alice.

Emmett shall never again do his "CREEPER WALK" at the risk of your eyes melting.

The computer is for word processing, Internet surfing, and Powerpointing (and of course choice other things), nothing else.

Emmett is not allowed to bring squid to school.

Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Emmett is not allowed to form the kindergarteners into any kind of militia.

Even if it is a good form of moral fiber.

Emmett is not allowed to change his name to Princess Anastasia. This is actually a United States law, put into affect in 1989 because of identity theft being illegal and the fact that Queen Elizabeth was not happy with her new chef being named Princess Anastasia. It's a pretty long story. Maybe I'll tell it later.

Emmett is not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for his actions.

Even if the sock puppets were behind his action of writing his essay on tacos.

Googlism is not a religion.

Neither is Windowsism.

Even though Bill Gates wants it to be.

Emmett cannot form the Food Fight Republic.

Remember, if anything makes Emmett giggle for more than 15 seconds, he is to assume that he's NOT ALLOWED TO DO IT.

Emmett is not allowed to slam Jasper through the wall no matter WHAT the voices are saying.

Emmett can never provoke Esme by smashing all her good dishes and, when Esme comes running after him, burst into tears, point at Carlisle, and loudly sob, "He did it, he did it, why am I always blamed, he did it, he does everything, he's terrible, I BLAME THE GOVERNMENT!"

Emmett is not allowed to make sense under certain circumstances because of the people (Namely the terrorists) he might offend.

America is a free nation, but that doesn't mean Emmett can run through the streets screaming, "The government knows all! They KNOW!"

The state of Kansas is not in fact Emmett's personal mansion.

Even if he told you it is.


End file.
